some days are better than others

Today I set out with high hopes and good intentions. I worked hard and accomplished much at my wage-earning job. After that, somehow, things went downhill.

I spent several hours at the Law Library, where I was supposed to accomplish two things. One, make photocopies of the two Supreme Court decisions that comprise the case-studies for my research paper. Two, begin writing the body of said paper. (Because my first draft is due on Wednesday.)

I accomplished the photocopying task, but I made hardly any headway with the writing task. I did some important thinking, and I now have a much better idea how I will go about writing this paper. Still, it’s yet to be written and time is running short. I hate myself for getting to this point. I don’t mean to procrastinate, but here I am at the eleventh hour without a paper written.

I wish wish wish that my mental states did not exist on a pendulum, constantly swinging from confident and hopeful to doubtful and depressed. And, as for today, I can’t identify any triggers. The pills/time-of-the-month is not right for hormones to take the blame. The springtime brings me more and more daylight, sun-filled hours with each passing day. Today saw no great disappointment to spoil my mood. For whatever reason, I just found myself in a downward spiral ’round about 4:30pm.

All I know for sure is that some days are better than others.

Unfortunately, this has not been one of the better ones. The evening saw a lovely end, gathering with new friends, tasty good, and good beer. But still, back here at home, alone with my thoughts while Hubby enjoys his day/night off with some karaoke, I’m questioning my aptitude for success. I fear I’m just not good enough, that despite all my effort I’m really not working hard enough, and that I shouldn’t be aiming so high with my aspirations. All because of this stupid research paper and my own all-too-high expectations.

I know this will pass. I know, deep down, that I am good, that I do good work and that if I persevere I’ll get through this semester with nothing less than Bs, which is a worst-case scenario.

So I suppose at this point all there is to do is get some rest and hope for the best. Because, after all, tomorrow is another day.

~ by tangle on April 13, 2009.